Hold My Heart

I'm not writing this time to update on Luke, but more just to express my thoughts and feelings as a scared and tired mom of a very sick little boy. For most of my life, God has used the lyrics of songs to communicate his love and comfort to me. There are many songs in my past that I've used as prayers to help me express things that I can't find the words for. When listening to KLTY, a Christian radio station in Dallas, on the way home from the hospital a few days ago, I heard this song by Tenth Avenue North called Hold My Heart. The lyrics are so apt, I had to share them with you.

How long must I pray, must I pray to you?
How long must I wait, must I wait for you?
How long til I see your face, see you shining through?
I'm on my knees begging you to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain.
One voice in a sea of pain.
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One life that's all I am,
but right now I can barely stand.
If you're everything you say you are,
Won't you come close and hold my heart.

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes.
So much could slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
Cause I'm on my knees, begging you to turn to me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you run to me?

So many questions without answers. Your promises remain.
I can't see, but I'll take my chances to hear you call my name.
To hear you call my name.

One tear in the driving rain.
One voice in a sea of pain.
Could the Maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One life that's all I am,
but right now I can barely stand.
If you're everything you say you are,
Won't you come close and hold my heart.

Would you hold my heart?

Typing the lyrics out makes the tears come back to my eyes. It's a song expressing anguish, confusion, and anger. It reminds me of some of the lament Psalms of king David. I don't think I've ever heard another contemporary song quite like this one in it's poignant expression of negative emotions to God.
I don't know how many nights in the last 8 weeks I've been afraid to leave Luke's bedside or stayed awake in bed, afraid to close my eyes because what if that was the last time I saw my precious boy alive? I believe we've made it through the most critical period, but Luke is still a very sick little baby, and things could take a turn for the worse in just a very few moments. I know that many families have been through hospital stays much longer than ours. I talked to someone just this week who was with her premature baby in the hospital for 3 months before they got to go home. But, when you're in the middle of it, it just seems like it's never going to end. It sometimes seems like our prayers to take Luke home soon are just not being paid attention to by God. The pleading lyrics of this song resound in my heart so completely. Sometimes I wonder how God, who is so Huge and Majestic, can want to turn to me and my tiny little baby and heal him. But I know that God created this baby, knit him together in my womb, and cares about him and his mommy more deeply than I can fathom. I admit that I also struggle with the idea that Luke doesn't deserve this struggle for his life. Luke's done nothing wrong, and I don't know why he should have to fight every day to stay alive. If God is so loving, and so powerful, why hasn't he healed Luke yet? Why did Luke become sick in the first place?
Like king David's lament Psalms however, this song also has an element of "I don't know why this is happening. I wish there was another way so we wouldn't have to suffer, but Lord I trust you. I trust you to bring me through this." My heart is in agreement with this. I'm the last person to ask why we might be having to go through this. I'm trying to learn what it is I'm supposed to learn. But ultimately, I trust God that he is sovereign, and he will pull us through this.
Thanks for letting me share my thoughts with you. Thank you for your continual support through all of this and for your constant prayer for our son.
Blessings,
Rachael