Saturday, June 20, 2009

Not Looking Good for the Home Team

Originally posted January 6, 2009

Well, we had our latest sonogram yesterday. To our dismay, we had a different doctor than we did three weeks ago. This doctor delivered bad news with the delicacy of a newscaster reporting the day's weather. It made me so angry.
So the bad news... The doctor said that he didn't think the fluid around the heart was substantially more than at our last sonogram (we breathed a sigh of relief there). However, the baby's heart is extremely enlarged. He said that with the heart being so enlarged this early in our pregnancy, it was unlikely that the baby will survive until viability, much less survive until full term. This doctor said that the baby can't possibly survive outside the womb until 25-26 weeks when they could deliver the baby early and get on with his multiple surgeries. My OB told me the baby could survive outside at 20. Today I am 20 weeks and 4 days.
So today my prayers get more basic and more desperate. Of course we're still praying for a total miracle. I absolutely believe that God could reach down and suddenly cause Baby's tricuspid valve to begin working. My main prayer is simpler than that: just keep his heart beating for 6 more weeks. I don't care if he's months premature, and I have to meet my son for the first time as he's living in a box with life support. I don't care if I don't get to hold him for weeks or months after he's born. Just keep his heart beating so we can deliver him alive and fix his heart. I'm also praying that I never have to see that doctor again because his flippancy has wounded me deeply.
I also want to say I"m sorry to any of you who have miscarried a baby or lost an infant. I wish I had treated you with more compassion and empathy in the past. Now that I have my little one growing inside me, I understand so deeply the love and connection that comes immediately after you find out you're pregnant. I also understand how terrifying and agonizing it is to face the possibility of losing that baby. You didn't lose just another pregnancy. It's not just another miscarriage. You lost a child as dear to you as if that child were already out in the world crawling around and smiling up at you.
I know this is a pretty dramatic note for some of you to read. I'm sorry if it's gushy. I don't think I've ever been in such pain, and I know it's going to get harder, whatever happens to this precious boy of mine.
Thank you for your continued prayers, your love, and your words of encouragement. We love you all.
Rachael and David

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